Successfully managing to have two children as a single mom
A frequent topic of discussion on the Choice Moms board is whether to have two children, and how to manage if you do. As one woman asked: "I'd love to hear the strategies you've used in order to provide each of your kids with enough time and attention."
One very helpful reply came from Linda, mother of an 11- and 5-year-old:
1) Optimize organization. I'm extremely organized, but even my best
methods failed me this year and were eating into way too much of my
little time. So...Google calendar... and I have it email me every
morning, at work, with the agenda for the day. You can also set it
up to call your cell phone, but I haven't resorted to that as I'm
still old school and the cell phone is really only for emergencies.
EVERYTHING has to go on the calendar! Every doctor appt for the 3 of
us, every skate lesson, every school event, every school/PTA meeting,
every teacher conference, every MAJOR test for oldest, PAY RENT
reminders, PAY SCHOOL CARE reminders, B-day party invites, school pic
day, project due dates, ... I just counted the # of entries for Oct,
and there are 41 "things" on there.
2) Take advantage of *all* school events where oldest can be dropped
off. I can't even put words into what it felt like to drop kid off
this past friday night at the back of the school, cell phone in hand,
and hear "I'll call ya when I'm ready to come home". It was a
school "social", which is a new experience for us. So that gave me
time with the 5 yr old, and she gets to choose how she wants to spend
time with ole mom. Sometimes we go skating, sometimes we just go
have a pizza together, sometimes we do a movie, sometimes we just sit
in the rocking chair, she drinks a bottle, and we cuddle. I have no
shame in saying she will still drink a bottle. There are so many
worse things in life to spend time worrying about, rocking with my
last baby drinking a bottle simply doesn't make it on the list.
3) Big Brother... my son has had a Big for around 2 yrs now. It was a
huge leap of faith, and I had quite a bit of paranoia for many
months. I still have those pondering thoughts about safety and
intentions, but I just ask questions to verify what they do to keep
me sane. They do something almost every week, so that gives me alone
time with 5 yr old. That relationship helps take some of the
physical burden off of me, having a high energy son. Plus, I have
turned over some of the homework help/oversight to the Big, as he has
more patience without the emotional investment, and the kid relates
better to a guy approach.
4) Big Sister... I'll be enrolling my daughter for a Big Sister as
soon as she is old enough. That will give me moments of time to
spend alone with her brother.
5) Bedtime... I sit on the bed every night with each child, and we
usually chat for 10-15 minutes. They look forward, I think anyway,
to a consistent means of knowing they'll get my full attention. I
usually rub their back while they chat about their day. I've heard
all kinds of stories at bedtime. I think it provides a comfort level
that things are discussed that maybe haven't had a prime opportunity
at other times during the day/evening. I hear way more than I really
need/want to know sometimes I think... I hear lots of stories about
middle school. I just try and bite my tongue and listen. From bad
language, to fights in the hall, to fights on the bus, to invasions
of privacy in the bathroom, to boy/girl sagas, illegal use of cell
phones, etc... very scary stuff.
6) Lunch at school with youngest... I try to do this once or so a
month. We sit at a table by ourselves and eat and chat together.
(the middle schooler has indicated while he might like for me to come
lunch with him, his table is "too full with friends" to have room for
me. Although I think a part of it is also an embarrassment factor
once they get to middle school. He'd love me to come lunch with him,
but the potential for being made fun of trumps old mom).
7) Take off work early and surprise a kid with personal time with
mom. Their choice of what to do.
8) Put one to bed early, so can spend special time with other. Don't
overuse though, or spread unwisely, as kids will catch on. Needs to
be fair.
9) Vacation... I try to do one or two mini vacations with each kid
separately, gearing towards the specific interest of the kid. As
with the age spread, their interests don't always/typically align.
10) Sleepovers.. take advantage of every invite for either kid, as
that is built-in alone time with the other. It goes without saying,
only approved sleepovers will do. Don't send kids off to someone
you're not comfortable with or don't know anything about, *just* to
get time with other kid.
11) Exercise/activity.. I've recently taken on learning inline
skating at the old age of 47. If I can do it, anyone can! I was so
jealous of my children, and so envisioned us all as a family rolling
down the sidewalk together, that I threw in my fears and put those
dang wheels on my feet. I fell down big time tonight, and will be
sore as (*&)(& a few days from now, but the empowerment and feeling
of accomplishment for even being able to stand up with the things on,
and the potential that I might actually be able to learn, well, is
beyond words. I so want some type of activity that I can do with
both kids, or that I can do separately with each kid. Plus, it's a
great way for me to lose a few pounds. If sweat counts, I lost 10
pounds tonight. Falling down doesn't take much energy, but getting
back up with wheels on was near impossible!
FWIW. As someone else said.. I feel more like a family with two than
I did with one.
